malls

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Trends that need to disappear: Fancy Jumpsuits

So as I am sitting in Jakarta, i.e. one of the few places in the world where I could actually make it rain (seriously, the exchange rate is like 9000 Rupiah to the dollar), I started thinking about money. More specifically, all the clothes I would buy if I actually HAD money. Then I naturally started thinking about all the horrid things celebrities buy even though they DO have money. One item on that stupid trend train?  The fancy jumpsuit:

Oh jesus god the fancy jumpsuit. Fancy jumpsuits are one of those trends that come along, like high waisted tapered pants, JUICY ass-pants, harem pants, and no pants (i.e. leggings as pants), that I cannot understand. They are universally unflattering, encourage el camel-toe, and, though they come in different shapes and sizes, all end up looking either like superhero costumes, fancy pajamas, the wardrobe of Dynasty or a combination of the three. They are also guaranteed to be completely out of style in 6 months, which means they are only for those who can afford to light money on fire.

People. You are young. You have wonderful figures. Just slice the jumpsuit into a top and pants, make sure each is flattering, and we are in business. Do it for the rest of us who live vicariously through your millions. Please. For the children.

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Ad Fail. Mannequins, South Carolina? Really?

Remind you of South Carolina? Me neither

SO. I, like many of the gentiles around, went away for Easter weekend and managed to escape the hordes and hordes of cherry blossom tourists that descended upon our town this past weekend. And I mean DESCENDED. Friday was the second all-time highest traffic day in D.C. Metro history. 891,240 trips total. Second only to Obama’s inauguration.

Good god. 891,240 AC-broken, cramming both sides of the escalator, drippy ice cream cone, souvenier FBI hat trips. Trips that systematically ignore your feeble pleas to move to the right on the escalator until you finally  snap and shove your way through herds of small children to only to see your train pulling away and you frantically look up at this:

Except, as we all know, there are no numbers. The sign just reads “—” as it always does when its packed. You know you’re screwed. And you know the next day will be the same. God. Flashback to every summer in DC EVER. But I digress. Because South Carolina’s Department of Tourism decided to capitalize on these tourist herds at Pentagon City Mall by doing THIS:

NIGHTMARE CITY. Yes, those are life sized mannequins. Yes, they are scattered about Pentagon City mall like real people. And yes, that is the Pentagon City mall elevator as a lighthouse.

Quite a bizarre, expensive endeavor, no? I researched and found out they did this in King of Prussia mall too. SO. I have a question, South Carolina. Putting my fears of your mannequins coming alive at night and killing people aside, why did you have them doing such universal activities? Flying a kite, water-skiing, fishing, para-something-ing, could be done anywhere. To be honest, aside from the lighthouse, which could be an SC hint a la Hilton Head, I would have never guessed your state for this campaign. Look. Nobody likes mannequins and everybody likes pictures. So why not replace your ad with beautiful pictures of YOUR STATE. Like this:

Ah. Much better. And you get your Hilton Head lighthouse. Now THERE, I would want to go. Perchance a post later in the afternoon. Stupid Stupid Duke.

(Oh and apologies. I originally said the metro record was set Thursday, it was Friday, April 2nd)

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WWJD? Run away from the Mall Easter Bunny, just like you kid

So I was walking around Pentagon City mall yesterday and saw this:

God. I had forgotten how creepy mall Easter bunnies were. Even for adults. Such large, hollow dead eyes. Weird human clothes. Usually silent, just staring and nodding in their garden habitats of picket fencing and fake flowers. I decided to look at other Easter bunnies around the country for comparison. Not much better. I mean, they tended to look like this:

From left: Wyoming, Hawaii, Virginia (Alexandria)

Jesus. Especially Hawaii, what were you thinking? Could you imagine walking up that red path to that thing? That silent creepy dead-eyed thing? The kids are trying, they are. They cannot logically put together where they are and what they are doing, and what that rabbit is, but I mean neither can I. They just know they will be sitting on that warm man-bunny lap until they smile, and eventually (well sometimes) they relent.

So parents, for the sake of your children, just skip the bunny this year. The Bunny is not Santa Claus, there is no American cultural thread of talking to a giant bunny on Easter. It’s just another photo op that terrifies your children to be sent in a card that the recipients barely look at anyways. That’s what I would do at least. And I bet that Jesus agrees.