Since it is sadly still common practice to buy children ducklings, bunnies and other types of living beings for Easter, I felt I would encourage DC residents to spare Donald’s life and visit the local Mallard family that has chosen the National Geographic building pond as their home. Here are reasons why you should choose to watch those ducks instead of sacrificing an innocent.
(1) The National Geographic ducks have a ramp
I mean is anything more adorable than this?
(2) Ducks are anatomically incapable of being house trained
Why? Because they do not have a sphincter muscle. True story. In practical terms, this means they eat and defecate constantly with no control over where and when they go - quickly converting them from adorable pet to perfect duck taco material.
One innovation? The duck diaper - seriously
(3) If, after growing tired of said defecating duck, you humanely set it free in a pond, it won’t last past its first birthday
This is because your duck was raised on a farm, has no animal instincts whatsoever, and will likely try to be friends with a motorcycle. If it has the dumb luck of remaining in its park area and living off of children’s snacks – it will ultimately die when the winter arrives or it is enslaved by the mutant ducks who dominate urban ponds. So basically, you sold your duck into a trafficking ring. Bravo.
Your duck's new pond friends!
(4) The National Geographic staff have taken precautions to overcome the inherent stupidity of ducks
Because ducks are one of nature’s weakest, sorriest creatures, mother mallards will actually abandon their young if people get too close to them – yes, simply leave and never come back. How Darwin hasn’t taken care of this ridiculousness is beyond me. However, the Nat Geo folks have put up signs making sure people don’t come too close. Your duck on the other hand, won’t have such signs.
(5) Ducklings become full grown ducks in 30 days
To a certain extent, this is apt, because 30 days is about the time it will take your kid will stop caring or feeding Dr. Quackerson and move on to wanting a hamster-ey. At that point you are left with a disinterested kid and, well, an effing DUCK. A duck that looks like this and literally cannot do anything but quack around confusedly.
Awkward teen duck
I mean look at that feather tuft. For his sake, leave him to his farm life. His existence shouldn’t be sacrificed because you made a stupid impulse purchase. And besides, the Nat Geo ducklings are MIGHTY cute.
Xristos Voskrese!! (Happy Easter!)