Fall is back, DC citizens squeal with excitment

Fall is back in DC (also presumably everywhere else) and if my Facebook and Twitter feeds are any indication, the regional population couldn’t be happier. So I suppose you have come here to read what just about every other blog is writing about: favorite fall activities, favorite fall drinks, favorite fall fashion, etc… If this is the case, I’d suggest heading to one of those. As my general feelings on fall can be summed thusly:

IronCityspy's present mood. Credit to OMGkitty.com for the perfect image.

As is well known to our longtime reader(s), DCSpy and I love the Summer. We love the sunlight, long hours, warm weather and trips that are synonymous with those glorious 3 months. So when I read twitter statuses that say “So excited to wear scarves again!!!” Part(most) of me dies inside. Don’t you people realize you have like 8 months of scarf weather!

Jesus

DCSpy tends to be of the opinion that as long as Fall is here, we may as well embrace it. This position is anathema to me. Summer, in many ways, is like my best friend. I look forward to it before it arrives, can’t get enough of it when it is finally here and I am terribly sad when it leaves. Fall is Summer’s murderer/rapist. But unlike typical murder-rapists, I am then forced to hang out with the thing that forcibly sodomized and stabbed my best friend. Then I have to hear about what a great guy he is by literally everyone I am associated with!  Look, he may have some good jokes and can turn the occasional phrase, but at the end of the day he still left my beloved Summer in a dumpster behind the KFC.

It is because of this that I will be curmudgeonly during any and all fall activities I am forced to participate in. Yes apple picking and Halloween may be fun, but they can’t replace my best friend.

-IronCityspy

P.S. Not to clog my inbox about the Fall vs. Summer argument again, but I have one question for the Summer haters. When you go on vacation, do you go somewhere that is 60 degrees and overcast? No, you go somewhere that looks like this:

Year-round Summer!

Checkmate.

DC weather forecast is a harbinger for end of days

This morning I made the unfortunate decision to have a look at DC’s weekly weather forecast over on TBD. This is what I found:

Just the beginning

Jesus what is going on with Wednesday?!?!?! Armageddon has to be at hand — I honestly can think of no other plausible explanation.  I mean why else would a random 20 degree shift (note: 10 minutes earlier it was a 30 degree difference) from the day before, only to then plummet back the original temperature? I mean, I am not exactly the most religious person out there, but let’s just say I won’t be shocked if I see the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man walking down New Hampshire on Wednesday.

All kidding aside, I don’t think I’ll ever get used the Russian roulette climate that seems to permeate here. It’s incredibly difficult to get one’s body acclimated to a certain season, if less than 8 hours later nature whiplashes to the complete opposite. Enjoy the brief respite on Wednesday, I guarantee your immune system won’t.

-IronCityspy

Tip of the cap to Kevin for warning us all.

The weather outside is frightful and Hans is missing

And no, there is no fire. No delightful. I am currently at school for my first day of courses. We did not get a 2-hour delay so I slid into class at 9am, literally slid, because the ice is RIDICULOUS outside. Ironcityspy wore his converse shoes like an idiot, so hopefully he planned his walk to work carefully. An injured co-SPY is of little use to ispythingsdc.

Perilous Route (by Heather Farrell/TBD)

Anyways, the ice and ice-snow have also motivated a public service announcement. Granted, I am not confident in the effectiveness of such SPY alerts. The SPY alert on discarded Christmas trees simply prompted DC to take all the trees and pile them into massive tree pyramids also on the side of the street, reminiscent of the massive snow piles after snowpocalypse, or perhaps more aptly, bodies after a holocaust. The sad, decaying remains of a holiday season.

The beginnings of a tree pile

Anyways, in the spirit of public service, I did want to announce that HANS IS MISSING!!! I know. It’s terrible. Who is Hans, you ask? Well he is the twin brother of FRANZ:

A nutcracker family is broken! Yes, nutcracker twin Hans at Trio Diner on 17th Street went missing on New Years Eve. I suspect it was the rat king. Or a bunch of drunk idiots that thought it would be awesome to bring a massive nutcracker to their party. Either way, Franz has written this heartfelt note:

Poor guy. It is tough enough that Christmas is over and he has been relegated to a superficial window decoration rather than an actual instrument to crack nuts. Now his Christmas friend is gone. Could you imagine going back to storage without a friend?

So, if you happen to come upon a life sized nutcracker, begging for change in the streets, at a soup kitchen, or held in virtual house arrest by his captor, contact Trio at ContactUs@TrioDC.com or 202-232-6305. They miss Hans.

DC Christmas tree pickup is shockingly depressing

Most of us DC transplants grew up in a suburb in some form or fashion. Well, except for those really, really irritating Manhattan bastards that can’t understand how we survived not being in a city. “Didn’t you find it stifling?!?!” Of course we found it stifling! Every second of our adolescence was nothing more than a prolonged, awkward, stifled existence. That trial by fire is part of the reason we are so well adjusted — unlike our Manhattanite counterparts that are clearly excellent candidates for stabbing.

Charlie Brown has nothing on this

Anyway, it was always a sad day when the Christmas trees came down and we had to reenter school. Thankfully, I never really had to witness that mental carnage. The tree was usually taken down while I was at school, and the local garbageman had disposed of it before my return. If he did not, the tree would wait outside my house, wrapped in it’s own skirt that weeks earlier held presents. There was a sort of nice poetry in that — leaving the world wrapped in something that was a part of that tree’s very existence. I am not trying to be sentimental, as I know the tree doesn’t exactly care what becomes of it, but visually I always thought that was nice.

Well apparently DC missed this memo. As TBD reported, starting last week, DC is now picking up discarded Christmas trees. It was supposed to have happened all of last week, but considering not a single one was removed from an 8 block radius of my apartment, it doesn’t surprise me that they will now continue pickup until the 15th.

Yea, this doesn't destroy your soul on the way to work

So what is the proper way to dispose of trees in our nation’s capital? Why, throw them in the nearest tree box of course! Should we wrap them in that nice skirt? Nope! Just your naked, depressing tree. Don’t worry about the 1,000 needles that are going to fall off in the process, all part of the Christmas miracle!

This wouldn’t be so bad if DC were at all quick in their collection of the trees. However, seeing as they seem to think collecting them is a seasonal endeavor, I have to literally pass my old tree on the way to work EVERY DAY. As if walking to work in the cold, gray DC winter wasn’t depressing enough. Now I get to do so being surrounded by a sort of Christmas tree holocaust.

So DC, how about doing us a favor? Going back to real life is sad enough. But being surrounded by the corpses of holiday cheer really doesn’t help matters — so can you please try to pick those trees up in the next week or so? Much obliged.

-IronCityspy

A defense of summer on the first day of autumn

Dear readers,

Today, as many of you know, is the first day of fall. This is news that seems to be lifting the spirits of nearly everyone I encounter. If my Facebook newsfeed is any indication of the zeitgeist around town (and I think the nearly unending Glee references proves this), it seems everyone is greeting this news with unfettered excitement. But my question, as always, is why?

Shut up stupid jacket lady

What has summer done to earn such derision? Why are the warm and wonderful emotions I associate with summer lost on so many others? Why doesn’t everyone else see fall for what it truly is – the death rattle of everything good and decent before a long winter sets in? Like in nearly all my arguments, I am unquestionably right in this. The rest of you have likely not considered all the advantages that summer brings:

Continue reading

People that prefer snowmageddon to our heat wave should be destroyed

Yes, it’s hot outside. Very hot. According to NBC Washington, yesterday was day #50 this summer to reach temperatures of 90 degrees or higher. The statistic is admittedly impressive and we all feel a bit more hardy for sweating through it everyday, but does it really make us nostalgic for snowpocalypse? NBC aimed to find out. In an article entitled “Come back Snowmageddon!” they asked people around the District the eternal question “snow or sweat?” Here are the results: 

 

Idiots. People that prefer snow are idiots.  This is SNOW: 

 

working in snow,  walking in snow, ”fun” in snow

The only arguable upsides to snow are skiing, hot chocolate, snow’s natural beauty and Christmas, with all but skiing enhanced by being INSIDE. You have to schlep to work through slush, dig out your car, make sure your hair is 100% dry before leaving, and no matter how many layers you put on, your face is still effing freezing. Even animals hibernate in the winter. Now, HEAT is this: 

 

 Beach, baseball, kayaking, and freedom. Sure you look like swamp thing by the time you get to work, but at least you’re a TAN swamp thing. Summer sweat brings you backyard bbqs, smores, summer camps, and road trip adventures. Children are happier, people get married, and all is right with the world. It’s who we are. Our bodies are built for warmer climates. 

So in the end, cold may ”build character,” but summer makes you feel alive. Sweat wins. Anyone dare to counter?

Where do babies come from? Snow and boredom my child

Morning Reader(s). Sigh. Monday morning again. We are coming off quite an eventful weekend. Chelsea Clinton got married in a beautiful Vera Wang strapless gown (though she looked quite skinny no?), there was a knife fight at a church clam bake, and SPY bought a telephone lamp from the 1940s. Yes, a “telephone lamp.” It looks like this: 

Allo gov'nah!

No idiots, the phone doesn’t still work. Although the lamp surprisingly does. Anyways, this weekend also brought alot of something else: BABIES. 

Piles of them. The Post reports that Silver Spring hospital has 75 more babies per month slated for the next three months. Family Health and Birth Center in Northeast anticipates a “record-setting” 35 deliveries in August. Inova hospitals have “unusual” numbers of deliveries lined up. And why? You guessed it: SNOWPOCALYPSE. 

When Nancy Bonnell, 31, thinks of her baby girl due next month, she recalls the December snow that she and her husband, Brian, endured: “We lived in the apartment and had nothing to do.” So they cooked in their Derwood home, they grew restless and then they — well, you know. – Nikola Sparks, The Notebook 

Okay fine. It’s not the Notebook. It’s not “oh, the snow looks so much different with you because you love that I paint so we need to make a treasured love moment” or whatever. Jesus. No. This is simply the hilarious reality of what people do when they’re trapped. I mean, look. After  5000 reruns of the Cosby Show, boring walks to “look at” the snow, responding to every possible email, and cooking with leftover ingredients, there comes a point when you just look at your partner and think, meh, what the hell. 

ice to meet you!

 And I love it. I love that there is an upswell of kids because of it. With how much relationships are romanticized to death, these stories are refreshing and frankly more romantic. You get bored, you fool around, and you laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. And sure, make up a romantic non-Shining story for your kids. But in the end, you secretly know the true absurdity of the situation and it’s brilliant. I don’t know, but maybe that’s just me.

Congrats all you new snowpocalypse parents!

Weekend review: the sun, the storm and assessing the damage

  

The North Wind and the Sun were disputing which was the stronger, when a traveler came along wrapped in a cloak. They agreed that the one who first succeeded in making the traveler take his cloak off should be considered stronger than the other. Then the North Wind blew as hard as he could, but the more he blew the more closely did the traveler fold his cloak around him; and at last the North Wind gave up the attempt. Then the Sun shined out warmly, and immediately the traveler took off his cloak.  And so the North Wind was obliged to confess that the Sun was the stronger of the two.  

That is an Aesop’s fable entitled “the North Wind and the Sun,” OR, as it’s better known, “District of Columbia weather: July 24-25, 2010.” Sure it wasn’t a cold wind, but you can’t tell me the forces didn’t battle it out this weekend. On Saturday, heat indices reached 110 (including humidity), making it too hot for even the goddamn pool. I stayed inside, all of us did, only venturing out to go to Target, which, UPSIDE, was empty. SPY overspent on supplies. Then Sunday, this happened:  

dramatic storm reenactment

 Oh, the wind and rain. To be honest, I missed the thunderstorm. I was in Charm City seeing Inception in IMAX (loved it). However, let’s just say after spending 2.5 hours watching a movie that tested the line between dreams and reality, leaving DC while it was sunny and returning to see all traffic lights out, massive trees felled, and debris everywhere along 16th street was… alarming. I wished I had a totem.  

  

photos via Washington Post’s maryk1 and laverba 

When it was all said and done, the Post reported that winds reached 60 mph, uprooting trees, roofs and leaving much of the DC area in darkness yesterday. 2 people died. Power was cut out to a WSSC plant that supplies 70% of the water for Montgomery and Prince George’s counties. PEPCO is still working around the clock to fix the damage. Today, according to DCist, there are 240,000 outages in PEPCO’s service area, traffic lights remain out, Montgomery and PG counties are on water restrictions, and metro stations are operating on backup generators.  

PEPCO has advised people to call 1-877-PEPCO62 if you are still without power. With such a staggering amount of damage inflicted in such a brief amount of time, it seems, this time at least, the the wind has won.

**Oh, and do you know what the moral of the actual Aesop’s fable is?**

Yes DC media outlets, it is effing hot outside

 Correction, it’s hot as balls outside. Effing hot is not sufficient. 

Drink in the Haze

You see, I noticed that blogs around town like to report on the weather despite the fact there is really nothing to say. Yes, it’s 100+ degrees outside and, per weather.com, it’s looking like it will stay that way until Thursday. And yes, it feels like 100% humidity. However, it seems people forget that DC is ALWAYS LIKE this. In short, a DC summer is:  

  • 1 liter of heat
  • 3 cups swamp-humidity
  • 3 tbsp of thunderstorm
  • 2 tsp of mosquito
  • a splash of particulate matter
  • a pinch of intern
  • Add ozone to taste

Straight up. It also happens to be the weather of today, two weeks ago, a year ago, 2 years ago and forever.  Though some news outlets have upped their game recently. Recognizing the inadequacy of an “it’s hot, no really it is” headline, they have begun a WEATHER SENSATIONALIZING BATTLE.

So dear readers, not only is it hot, but DC has issued an official heat advisory alert, air quality advisory code “red” (means unhealthy, not mountain dew-y), power is going out, kids are dying in cars, and, until about an hour ago, Maryland rationed water. It’s true. A water main broke in Montgomery and Prince George’s counties on Thursday, leaving residents short on water until an hour ago. The pits.  

Nobody makes it to the Jefferson Memorial

Oh and it’s ozone season apparently. Of course it is. So yes, we are all miserable and misery loves company. Well, except weather.com employees. I mean, it IS their time to shine. So unless you are a meteorologist, grab your patriot pop and head for the pool this weekend. Huzzah for a 4-day week!  

delicious and American!