The Marine Corps Marathon is very, very happy to be back in DC.

The annual Marine Corps Marathon concluded yesterday, marking another successful race  despite increased security. But that is hardly noteworthy compared to what I found yesterday while looking up road closures:

 Source: MCM website

Source: MCM website

Too subtle for you?
Must. resist. puns.

Must. resist. puns.

Yes friends, I give you the most important map since DNA was sequenced. Normally I’d think this was some sort of divine coincidence — but you can’t look at that tip penetrating the U.S. Capitol and tell me this isn’t the work of staggering genius.

- IronCitySpy

Oh, why did we choose this moment to end our 22 month hiatus you ask? Obviously you aren’t familiar with scripture:

“… and when a giant phallus reveals itself, rejoice!  The gentle blog will rustle from it’s ancient slumber.” - The Bible, probably.

Fall is back, DC citizens squeal with excitment

Fall is back in DC (also presumably everywhere else) and if my Facebook and Twitter feeds are any indication, the regional population couldn’t be happier. So I suppose you have come here to read what just about every other blog is writing about: favorite fall activities, favorite fall drinks, favorite fall fashion, etc… If this is the case, I’d suggest heading to one of those. As my general feelings on fall can be summed thusly:

IronCityspy's present mood. Credit to OMGkitty.com for the perfect image.

As is well known to our longtime reader(s), DCSpy and I love the Summer. We love the sunlight, long hours, warm weather and trips that are synonymous with those glorious 3 months. So when I read twitter statuses that say “So excited to wear scarves again!!!” Part(most) of me dies inside. Don’t you people realize you have like 8 months of scarf weather!

Jesus

DCSpy tends to be of the opinion that as long as Fall is here, we may as well embrace it. This position is anathema to me. Summer, in many ways, is like my best friend. I look forward to it before it arrives, can’t get enough of it when it is finally here and I am terribly sad when it leaves. Fall is Summer’s murderer/rapist. But unlike typical murder-rapists, I am then forced to hang out with the thing that forcibly sodomized and stabbed my best friend. Then I have to hear about what a great guy he is by literally everyone I am associated with!  Look, he may have some good jokes and can turn the occasional phrase, but at the end of the day he still left my beloved Summer in a dumpster behind the KFC.

It is because of this that I will be curmudgeonly during any and all fall activities I am forced to participate in. Yes apple picking and Halloween may be fun, but they can’t replace my best friend.

-IronCityspy

P.S. Not to clog my inbox about the Fall vs. Summer argument again, but I have one question for the Summer haters. When you go on vacation, do you go somewhere that is 60 degrees and overcast? No, you go somewhere that looks like this:

Year-round Summer!

Checkmate.

thirst DC – a sexy lecture

The one unforgivable sin is to be boring” – Christopher Hitchens

It seems the organizers of Thursday’s thirst DC event took this mantra and completely ran with it. It’s also unfortunate DC’s beloved boozy man of letters is too ill to take advantage of this gathering, as it seems right up his alley. Let me explain:

The underlying theme of thirst DC (assuming I understand the  press release) is the old concept of stuffy lectures is outdated and pointless. Gone is the packed auditorium filled with professorial types, listening to one speaker drowning on and on about a single topic, only to be interrupted by the occasional golf clap. In it’s place is a lively social gathering, where several renowned speakers give short, impassioned talks about a wide-range of topics. Instead of listening passively, all that are in attendance are encouraged to engage fellow participants and even lecturers themselves — all with the help of generously available liquid courage.  The idea being that smart and passionate people should engage each other, and from there we add to the marketplace of ideas (a phrase ruined by Libertarians).

To thirst DC‘s credit, they do have quite an eclectic guest list:

  • New York Times Best Selling Author and Blogger, Chris Mooney
  • Theoretical Mathematics genius/Wall Street guru Shaun Maguire
  • Technology and culture expert Melissa Pierce
  • Smithsonian anthropologist Briana Pobiner
  • Documentary star and social media expert Shauna Dillavou
  • Weather marketing expert Daniel Alexander

Sidebar: What the hell is weather marketing?!?!

Obviously this event isn’t for everyone. It requires participants to be “utterly fascinating“, and as someone that argued the merits of Harry Potter v. The Lord of the Rings on Facebook for the better part of 4 days, I clearly don’t qualify. That being said, DC is perpetually in need of splashes of color — which this event provides in spades. We have never been short on intellectual capital, so why not use that resource and marry it with some cosmopolitan flair. At the very least, the combination of pretty people and stiff drinks is superior to my typical Thursday night. Go forth and thirst dear readers!

- IronCityspy

Thursday, August 25th, Bier Baron Tavern: 7:00pm - 2:00am

Bier Baron
1523 22nd St. NW
Washington, DC

Register at thirstdc.com or directly at Ticketleap. Tweet us @thirstdc or join our FB group to receive a discount code on your tix.

Woman Dies After Falling From W Hotel — Jesus

Apparently a very intoxicated lady plunged to her death last night, falling from the top of the W Hotel bar. Witnesses saw her climb over the fence, then “dangle from her hands” (as opposed to what?) from a ledge before falling. Authorities aren’t yet ruling it a suicide or just a drunken accident.

You'd have to work to get off of this.

Assuming this isn’t a suicide, my initial thoughts are how stupid and sad this is. She really had to work to get to where she was (as the above picture illustrates) and it’s shocking for her to die in such a vulgar and extreme way. I feel very bad for her family.

My second thought is; “how the hell hasn’t this happened at Local 16, Cleveland Park Bar and Grill or dozens of other local watering holes?  Absolutely no disrespect to either establishment, as I’ve frequented them both more times than I care to admit. But half the time I’m shocked I’m even able to make it home. So when you couple that with my abysmal coordination, the fact I am typing this now is an utter affront to science and the natural world.

Not exactly good for keeping drunks from falling off -- or White Walkers

I know two and three stories aren’t usually enough to kill someone, but still you’d think we’d hear more about this. At any rate, this is a very sad story and I really don’t think the W Hotel could have done anything differently to prevent this. I’ll let you know if anything new comes of this.

-IronCityspy

Stupid sun rain and other Friday links

Oh, hi weather. This isn’t a tease or anything. It’s sunny, but pouring. Oh wait, it’s sunny again — I guess I can venture outside. Nope! Windstorm and downpour — despite there being almost no cloud cover. I am sure there is some kind of atmospheric explanation for this phenomenon (err, climate change?), but frankly I don’t have time for learning. All I know is it’s stupid and shouldn’t be tolerated. Speaking of intolerable, you are stuck with another IronCityspy post as Spy is in the midst of interviews and various networking engagements. Let’s see if I can scrounge up any interesting links for you all:

Oh good -- sun rain

Spy will be back next week — happy Friday!

-IronCtyspy

Happy President’s Day everyone!

A pretty accurate portrayal in most Tea Bagger's minds.

Happy President’s Day everyone! Spy and I are off to go to a museum, or maybe a hike or probably just binge on like 9 straight hours of Netflix tv shows. However you plan to spend it, take some time to remember that Jesus (personally) gave George Washington the Constitution and we all lived happily ever after (until the gays tried to ruin it all by marrying each other). Look forward to a proper post tomorrow!

-IronCityspy

DC weather forecast is a harbinger for end of days

This morning I made the unfortunate decision to have a look at DC’s weekly weather forecast over on TBD. This is what I found:

Just the beginning

Jesus what is going on with Wednesday?!?!?! Armageddon has to be at hand — I honestly can think of no other plausible explanation.  I mean why else would a random 20 degree shift (note: 10 minutes earlier it was a 30 degree difference) from the day before, only to then plummet back the original temperature? I mean, I am not exactly the most religious person out there, but let’s just say I won’t be shocked if I see the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man walking down New Hampshire on Wednesday.

All kidding aside, I don’t think I’ll ever get used the Russian roulette climate that seems to permeate here. It’s incredibly difficult to get one’s body acclimated to a certain season, if less than 8 hours later nature whiplashes to the complete opposite. Enjoy the brief respite on Wednesday, I guarantee your immune system won’t.

-IronCityspy

Tip of the cap to Kevin for warning us all.

Happy Holidays Beloved Reader(s)

So I am currently in Weirton, WV having a happy/angry Serbian thanksgiving (we Serbs excel at this emotive combination) with the family and without internet. Yes, I wrote this post in advance. I wrote it at 7am on Wednesday morning actually, which is why it is only marginally better than terrible. So here are some pictures, video and event bites to sustain you over the weekend.

Exhibit A: Photo galleries of (1) Cute animals in boots and (2) Former President Putin with animals

Both galleries are exactly what they sound like. You’re welcome

Exhibit B: Sarah Palin pardoning the Thanksgiving turkey in front of a Turkey slaughter

An instant American classic. Unlike her reality show. Don’t watch it. Just don’t. Do it for our North Korean allies.

Finally here are some events around town:

IHOP in Columbia Heights opened!!!! PANCAKE WEEKEND!!!

That’s it. That’s the only event I came up with. I got tired of looking around. It’s 7am. So just … buy things.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Archbishop of Washington DC is now a Cardinal. Oh good.

Donald Wuerl, the Archbishop of Washington DC, has recently been elevated to the rank of Cardinal. I didn’t realize his ascension through the ecclesiastical ranks would be as big a story as it has been, but there has been no shortage of ink spent on it and Wuerl’s life.

He took the Pope to the National's stadium? Really?

I’ve been aware of Wuerl for quite some time, as he is a Pittsburgh native and formally the Archbishop of Pittsburgh. He is considered to be theologically conservative, which is a nice way of saying he is stuck in the 15th century. Lost in the uniformity and generally flattering articles written about the man are a few of his more egregious moments:

  • He supports determining whether a pro-choice Catholic politician should be denied Communion on an individual basis. While this is considerably more progressive than some of his counterparts that wish to deny communion to any pro-choice politician, please note he says nothing about denying pro-death penalty politicians. According to the church, these “sins” are equal.
  • He was quoted as saying: “The Catholic Church … holds that ordination has been, from the beginning, reserved to men, a fact which cannot be changed despite changing times”.  So according to him, the church is not supposed to change even though everything else we know or think is subject to reevaluation?
  • When DC was debating same sex marriage, Wuerl issued a particularly insidious statement  saying Catholic charities would no longer be able to assist in adoptions were this law to pass. While clearly an ultimatum, he backed off the statement slightly, only to end spousal benefits for employees of Catholic charities after the city legalized same-sex marriages.

None of this should come as a surprise as the current Pontiff is about as reactionary as we can possibly imagine — and would stand to reason he’d elevate similarly backward members.

Bernard Law -- should be in jail

It should be noted though that Wuerl has been critical of the church’s handling of priests that engaged in child rape. He even successfully lobbied against reinstating a priest that allegedly tortured children in his care. While compared to the evil and criminal Bernard Law, Weurl certainly seems like an enlightened choice. But wasn’t his reaction exactly what any of us would do? Can you imagine a school teacher not protesting to his superiors over the recent hiring of a known pederast? This just strikes me as basic decency and sanity over Wuerl having some sort of intrinsic wisdom.

I am not a Roman Catholic, so I could be missing something here — but I simply do not understand why this man deserves such adulation. I honestly invite the faithful to let me know in the comments — especially my many liberal Catholic friends out there.

-IronCityspy

Remember, remember the 5th of November…

The gunpowder, treason and plot. I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason, should ever be forgot…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8UtojJT8ts]

God, such an awesome scene. Sometimes I wish I could be a revolutionary. However, I am far too self-preservationist and cowardly. I also don’t like loud noises. Or masses of people. Although I would bring snacks. Anyways, in honor of Guy Fawkes Day, here are some treasonous news items and events going on around DC.

  • People in Montgomery County hate speeding cameras so have decided to light them on fire (Post)
  • The AFI European Film festival kicks off today. Go you Socialist Benedick Arnolds, watch your fancy multiple award winning European films with your warm idiot beer (DCist)
  • Apparently metro escalators have a “safety feature” that when they are overcrowded they speed up and dump all the passengers on the floor. Thanks metro, now the terrorists win (City Paper)
  • Damn the Man. Go to the Punk Rock Flea Market! Also, a beloved friend will be selling thrifted wares at one of their booths. Support SPY friends! Facebook invite HERE
  • Masquerade Party at the Museum of Unnatural History, which looks like THIS. Amazing. Who wants to wear their Guy Fawkes mask and stop by the Church of Scientology on the way back??? (Express)

“The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it’s my very good honor to meet you and you may call me…V.”

Godspeed my dear revolutionary reader(s). Enjoy the weekend!