A defense of summer on the first day of autumn

Dear readers,

Today, as many of you know, is the first day of fall. This is news that seems to be lifting the spirits of nearly everyone I encounter. If my Facebook newsfeed is any indication of the zeitgeist around town (and I think the nearly unending Glee references proves this), it seems everyone is greeting this news with unfettered excitement. But my question, as always, is why?

Shut up stupid jacket lady

What has summer done to earn such derision? Why are the warm and wonderful emotions I associate with summer lost on so many others? Why doesn’t everyone else see fall for what it truly is – the death rattle of everything good and decent before a long winter sets in? Like in nearly all my arguments, I am unquestionably right in this. The rest of you have likely not considered all the advantages that summer brings:

1.       Long nights. Is there anything more depressing than leaving work at 6:00 pm and it is already pitch black? Essentially trading one black hole for another? Summer has light until well past 8:30 pm – allowing for a well-lit walk home, long barbecues, happy hours, etc… God, plus it’s warm at night so no need for a jacket. Summer thoroughly owns on this one.

2.       Barbecues. I’ve heard it argued people can still barbecue during fall. This is too asinine a concept to even consider. Summer is built on outdoor grilling – and God bless it. During fall, the only grilling that occurs is tailgating before a football game. While this is a wonderful ritual in its own right – it necessitates a game. During summer, the only thing required for a barbecue is a grill.

Underappreciated?

3.       Outdoor dining/drinking. Is there anything nicer than enjoying a meal outdoors? How about a patio/rooftop deck for happy hour? DC (like many other cities) is littered with hundreds of these phenomenal options – and makes me mourn the loss of warmth already. No, naysayers, standing under a heat lamp is not the same. I am not a lizard.

4.       Swimming. Can you go to the pool during fall? No? How about the beach? What? I can visit a beach and just gaze upon its majesty during fall – but not actually swim in it?  What a stupid idea.

5.       Baseball games. I am from Pittsburgh – my beloved Pirates just polished off their 18th consecutive losing season (it just graduated high school) – but God will I be damned if anyone brushes aside the awesomeness of baseball games. The games may not be action-packed and the teams are certainly lousy – but for atmosphere and a great way to enjoy the aforementioned summer evenings, there is no better alternative.

Who cares if the team sucks when there is sausage!

6.       Appearance. Human beings naturally look better in the summer. This is just a fact of science. We are more apt to lose weight (the opposite is true during fall/winter, when our stupid bodies think we need to gain some for the coming winter) and be more active. Additionally, even the most vampiric of people (me) can gain a little color thanks to moderate exposure to the elements. Granted, my hair does turn rather Tim Burtony during these months, but it’s a noble sacrifice.

This is but a short list, as I could honestly go on for ages. Look, I am not denying that fall has certain advantages. My clothes are better fit for it, I love the seasonal food and drink and my weekends are considerably better with football in them. But summer needs to be better appreciated.  Even today people are complaining that it’s too hot for fall and where is the cool weather? Comrades, this is summer’s last gift of warmth and beauty. Enjoy it, as before long you’ll be cold, pale and staring another long winter in the face.

-IronCityspy

5 thoughts on “A defense of summer on the first day of autumn

  1. I, sir, am enraged – yes ENRAGED! – by your absurd, foolishly supported and overall RIDICULOUS assault on the glorious season that is Autumn. You clearly have no brain or soul. I will correct each one of your more-foolish-and-offensive-than-the-last points with my obviously-entirely-correct statements on this entirely objective matter.

    1. For those of us who work IN DC, leaving work in the dark can be a lovely, nay glorious venture. See, e.g., pictures of the Capitol Dome at dusk/evening (http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:US_Capitol_dome_Jan_2006.jpg). That right there is the embodiment of America, perhaps coming in second ONLY to an American flag t-shirt.

    2. S’Mores. Who REALLY wants to lean over a fire when it’s already a fiery hellish 106 degrees with 800% humidity to melt their ‘mallow? And yes, you weenie, you can totally bbq in fall. College. Football. Tailgates. Count it. (Also, Thanksgiving. Apple pie, pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce, stuffing… these are all at least equal to, if not more delicious, than anything you can stick on a grill.)

    3. See the above slam dunk (touchdown?) point to support this as well. Yes, drinking outdoors is nice when it’s hot, but not when it’s SO HOT THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN THINK. God – more than two beers outside of the AC in DC in August, and I may as well have chugged a bottle of Everclear. The temperature here between September 22 – Christmas barely reaches anything below that point that you even need a heat lamp, and can probably get by with a freaking windbreaker if you grow a pair and chug a few. Maybe a Northface come November. Maybe. I do recall drinking wine outside in a long-sleeved shirt for my birthday circa November 14th last year.

    4. Swimming is conceded (with the caveat that a hot tub is way better when it’s cool out). But electronics everywhere breathe a sign of relief ;)

    5. Football, Jesus, aren’t you American? And even the ritziest of sports bars isn’t going to charge me $8.50 for a Miller Lite, so even if in-stadium football watching is inferior to stadium baseball, general watching wins. (*This refers only to professional level games; nothing beats watching football with Touchdown Jesus in the background.) Plus no one without an alcohol problem tailgates baseball games. Tailgates = heaven.

    6. Fall’s chill in the air does bring rosy cheeks, encourages otherwise – ahem – less than fit folks to wear a little more than a tank top and booty shorts, and Snooki has brought us the magic of UV Rays in a box if you feel compelled to get a tan/cancer. So, modern science levels the playing field on this point.

    Shame on you for disparaging fall. I hope you’ve learned your lesson. (*all of the above written tongue in cheek, so don’t take offense, because summer is great – but sweet lord do i love fall.)

  2. @lilmrs

    1. It may be beautiful but it’s also uncomfortably deserted after about 8pm for those of us who work DC hours. It is so not any consolation after working ten hours in a windowless office.
    2. A BBQ and a campfire are worlds apart. And not even little former worlds like Pluto. Big honking worlds. Campfires surely have their place (which includes a hot dogs impaled on a stick as well as s’mores) but a BBQ demands lawn games, nearby deviled eggs, and other summer staples that are all ruined by the presence of dead leaves and squash.
    3. Just last year, on December 19, it snowed two feet. FEET! Beer on a patio or two feet of wannabe ice cubes? Beer on a patio. Thank you. And, quite often, Halloween includes temperatures that require at least a light jacket which is totally unfair to all the local ladies who want nothing more than to wear an outfit consisting of three square inches of fabric. They’re the real victims in all of this autumnal bliss.
    4. Applications of time travel aside, hot tubs are pretty gross. But so are pools. The only winner here is the common bacterium. And the beach. In the summer. I’m actually doing Thanksgiving at the beach because hotels (which are about 49 cents a night in Ocean City during November) are the only place you can visit with family but not worry about cooking, cleaning up, there’s always a bar just downstairs, and nobody needs to discuss futons, air mattresses, or bunk beds.
    5. I’ll side with you on the football v. baseball (how can you play a professional sport six thousand times a year and still look out of shape?). But tailgating at a baseball game = a problem? Let me hit you with some knowledge: according to a recent Bing search, “problem” is defined as “an obstacle which hinders the achievement of a particular goal, objective or purpose.” And what if my objective is to tailgate at 2pm on a Wednesday? You can’t argue with science.
    6. Once an argument ends with a reference to Snooki or Hitler, sanity has left the room. And although I dig the boots + tights + dress look that every single girl in NYC has during fall, that’s NYC. In DC, summer wins. Even if this was the hottest summer ever in the history of DC-related blogs.

  3. @DC Orbiter – wow, you really took the time to make a serious rebuttal to an admittedly light-hearted comment and even managed to go so far as to insult me in your last point. thanks for deterring me from ever making the mistake of commenting on a friend’s blog again.

  4. Lil Mrs,

    You make some excellent points — and I must admit you do make the lack of Summer warmth seem far more tolerable. Forgive my obvious short sightedness. However summer’s defenders are few and far between, so I can’t turn my back on her now. However, were you to arrange another autumnal wine trip, I might be convinced yet.

  5. #1 Summer – for all of IronCityspy’s reasons and more
    #2 Spring – for its promise of summer (& the arrival of green)
    #3 Fall – for its promise of winter (& football/autumn leaves)
    #4 Winter – not lower because of the 4 season limit
    Winter even sucks in LA.

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