A guide to surviving your New York hipster friend’s visit

Dear Reader(s),

The intolerable New York hipster is arguably one of the most annoying creatures around. The reasons for their general awfulness are far too numerous for the purposes of this post, so instead just have a peak at this picture:

Nothing says sunny day like umbrella, knit cap and sweatshirt*

Ugh. PUNCH. Since I am often accused of being a hipster (mostly by fellow DC denizens), I especially bristle when I see these doofuses.  However, it seems we all have at least one as a friend. So, in between discussing the latest New Yorker article they’ve likely only skimmed, or commenting on some exhibit they saw at the “MoMA” (generally using incorrect art terms), they will invariably schedule a trip to see you in DC.

Now before you slit your wrists over the thought of having to hear how “provincial” and “dreary” DC is, I have created the official DCspy Hipster Survival plan. Strictly following this will allow you to survive for at least the weekend (though there is no cure against prolonged exposure).

Friday

  • 8:00 P.M. – Hipster arrives via bus. Complains how “tired” DC architecture tends to be. Resist urge to stab.
  • 8:30 P.M. – Cab your hipster up to either Bar Pilar or St. Ex. He’ll immediately feel more at ease once he sees skinny jeans and PBR. Both bars are low-key enough that you will not be accused of taking him to some “scenester” place, whatever the hell that means. Also it is imperative you don’t mention this area is part of gentrification movement– this will cause the hipster to immediately think it lame and phony.
  • 11:00 P.M. – Leave bar with the intention of ending the night with a nightcap at Kramer’s book’s & cafe. Hipsters love pretending to be literate.
  • 12:30 P.M. – Retire to bed. Hipster will likely sleep in some sort of ironic long underwear or something. Hopefully you will be too tired not to have an aneurysm upon seeing this.

Saturday

  • 10:00 A.M. – Wake up to find Hipster horrified you don’t have home delivery of the Washington Post. Get 15 minute lecture on the importance of the print news.
  • 11:00 A.M – Get delicious brunch at Kafe Leopold. Odds are Hipster has not been to Vienna, so you won’t have to worry about comparisons to “authentic cuisine”.  Also Leopold is sufficiently Euro — while not exactly Hipsters, they are considered cultured and stylish and thus acceptable.
  • 1:00 P.M. – Suggest a hike on Roosevelt Island. Hipsters also love pretending to be “naturey”, so they should be legitimately excited for this. There is also a high probability they will have an allergic reaction and die as soon as they enter “the woods”. This scenario is known as a win-win.
  • 5:00 P.M. – Make your way to H Street and get some food at the Star and Shamrock.  Be prepared to hear about how shocked he is that this is DC’s first Irish/Jewish bar, as New York has 23214151512 of them.
  • 8:00 P.M. – It might be cliched now, but play a few rounds and have some drinks at the H Street Country Club. While this is sufficiently ironic, it could backfire as the Hipster proclaims “irony is dead”. Don’t even try to analyze this statement.

Typical hiking outfit**

  • 10:00 P.M. – Cab it to the Black Cat and enjoy whatever DJ/Band they have playing.
  • 1:30 A.M. – Despite being typical and boring, take him to Ben’s Chili Bowl. By this time, you are far too tired and drained to try and think of someplace clever.
  • 2:30 A.M. – Blessed sleep.

Sunday

  • 9:30 A.M. – Skip breakfast and get him back to the bus as soon as humanly possible. Any more exposure and you will likely Chris Brown the entire city. Successful completion of this guide will result in the Hipster opining how much better DC is than he thought. Though be warned, a return visit may now be in the works.

If any of you have alternative Hipster visitor survival tips, please feel free to comment on them below.

-IronCityspy

* Thanks “LATFH” for the sweet picture and amazing caption which we “paraphrased” (stole)
** Courtesy of Breath Body Balance

22 thoughts on “A guide to surviving your New York hipster friend’s visit

  1. I am from NYC and I stumbled onto your blog and since I find NYC hipsters and Williamsburg as annoying as I guess you do, I looked forward to the read and a few good laughs. Just wasn’t funny though. Just sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder.

  2. Are you just trying to prove you’re not a hipster by listing the least hipster things to do? This list is terrible, brunch in Georgetown? Come on. Also, trying to get a new yorker in bed by 1230?

  3. Step 1. Acquire one burlap sack, 4′ of speaker wire and one frying pan
    Step 2. With a high rate of velocity, make contact between frying pan and hipsters head.
    Step 3. Place hipster into burlap sack, secure shut with wire.
    Step 4. Drive to Great Falls
    Step 5. Throw sack into Potomac, and watch go over falls.
    Step 6. Rejoice.

  4. 1. Bed time is a fair point
    2. Euro offsets the fact it is in Georgetown. Additionally, Hipsters like to explore multiple parts of the city. They are like our pilgrims, only far less useful.

  5. Naturey? Euro? Print media? Sounds like you know your subject matter about as well as you suggest they know literature and modern art.

    Wait, I take that back. Skinny jeans, PBR, and irony. This is groundbreaking analysis, comedy gold. You really get this scene, huh?

    Of course you do.

    What could be more hipster than a likely twenty-something WordPress blogger who “showcase[s] the city’s more irreverent side” by crapping out a snark-fueled diatribe with flat punchlines.

    Self-loathe much?

    And I thought the Washington Monument was overcompensating.

    Brian Hall
    11211

  6. “…And I thought the Washington Monument was overcompensating.”

    BURN! What was that about flat punchlines?

  7. Wow, a few of these comments are somewhat surprising; I figured making fun of hipsters was a concept that everyone could embrace.

  8. Well, the 11001 / 20009 thought it was totally funny and extremely appropriate. GASP I know, Nassau County and Dupont Circle.

  9. I’m not actually as well familiar with this topic. I a whole lot more so just like to visit blogs for layout suggestions and points like that. But you in actual fact produced a subest that i normally care absolutely nothing about fairly exciting. This is certainly a fabulous web page to design mine after. I hope you don’t thoughts if i bookmark your site, to ensure that i can readily find out it again within the future. Cheers

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Spam Protection by WP-SpamFree