THANK YOU TOP CHEF. Thank you for FINALLY making things interesting. This week, all eyes were on our ruthless little Sasha and his suspiciously delicious English pea purée. Did he steal the sauce? Did he lie? Could he have possibly MADE pea purée but none of the 50,000 cameras on Top Chef caught it (1 hour prep time and 1 hour cook time via Epicurian)?! It was a story of Eastern European deception, secrecy and paranoia reminiscent of … THE COLD WAR. Wait. That was last week. I mean, POLITICAL ELECTIONS.
Much better. Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?
So, for once, Top Chef did an interesting DC quickfire. I know. Surprise! Basically they took the Hill rule that lobbyists can only buy congressmen meals that can be served on a toothpick, and just had them DO IT. Make an hors d’oeuvre. No effing TWIST. Aaron Schock (R-IL), who I inherently despise for his youth and success, was the guest judge. He ultimately gave the win to Angelo for a cucumber cup appetizer that he described as “fireworks in my mouth,” which caused my mind to go to a bad place.
Alex and Steven were the quickfire short buses, Alex for a gross strawberry scallop and Steven for shoving a surf and turf with sides on a toothpick. Oh, and Angelo got 20K. Thanks Dial soap!
The elimination challenge was the power lunch at the Palm. Good choice AGAIN, Top Chef. Yes, the Palm is a chain, but the DC locale was opened in 1926. The ”man protein” power lunch is also a DC staple. The cheftestants chose from 5 proteins: swordfish, lamb, porterhouse, salmon, and lobster. It was chaos.
Amanda had never cooked porterhouse, so decided to counter the deficiency by taking the meat off the bone and effectively NOT cooking a porterhouse. This should have had consequences but instead NOBODY CARED. Wtf Top Chef? Andrea on the other hand had never cooked swordfish, but decided to erode her chances further by pairing the fish with a vanilla bean sauce. Dessert swordfish? BAM. Coffin nailed.
Then, the PURÉE. Ed had made a pea purée the day before and put it in a cooler. That night, Alex said he had no idea what to do with his salmon. Cut to the next day. Alex suddenly decides to make salmon with pea purée and, shockingly, Ed’s pea purée goes missing. Bravo goes all 1984 on us and doesn’t show what happened. Ed is forced to improvise with eggplant, while Sasha remains cool as a SPY. Finally, Steven holds a “seminar” on being in the bottom 3 that was said to be the funniest thing ever, but was edited to look like the least funny thing ever. Moving on.
THE JUDGES TABLE
The power lunchers were Senator Mark Warner (D-VA), John Podesta from the Center for American Progress, DC chef Art Smith and all these NBC news people. Only Art Smith made it to the judges table. The top three cheftestants were Alex (salmon), Tiffany (swordfish) and Ed (lobster). Alex wins. Why? For his silky, masterful PEA EFFING PURÉE. Obscenities ensue. Thank you Bravo. THANK YOU.
Kevin (lamb), Kelly (porterhouse) and Andrea (swordfish) end up on the bottom. Andrea goes home. No surprise. Her conception and execution were terrible, and she has no potential compared to the other two. Kelly had oversalted her steak and starts crying. Amanda says Kelly deserves it for not lending out her salt earlier in the competition. Amanda is a b*tch.
So dear reader(s), did SASHA do it?