Happy Halloween my beloved District!!

Oh hi DC. It’s been awhile since we chatted on this medium. Why you ask? Well, in our 22 month hiatus, your lovely spy attended law school, broke down as a human, abandoned everything she loved, was rebuilt as a poorly functioning lawbot, and then promptly short-circuited in her lawbot body due the bar exam even though she is nearing 3o and should be able to take a goddamn test. I now return to you as shards of twisted metal and obscure latin phrases to blog about pointless DC things and beg for your love and forgiveness.

So with that, happy halloween!!! Halloween in our fair district is fantastic — if only because the embassies give out candy, dauschunds look like hot dogs, and every building is haunted by administrations past (seriously even Wok n’ Roll in Chinatown was once the boarding house of Mary Surratt – the first woman executed by the U.S. government for her role in Lincoln’s assassination– and is therefore known to be haunted).

Sushi with a side of ectoplasm

Ironcityspy and I will be going out this weekend to a murder mystery party as Sam and Suzy from Wes Anderson’s Moonrise Kingdom — a reality that is so insufferably hipster you should probably just poison some craft cider and put us out of our misery. If you are unfamiliar with Wes Anderson, just  assume our halloween will look exactly like the clip below — a movie trailer that is both parody and something I would seriously want to be an actual movie:

That being said, if you are in the district and looking for a party this weekend, I would check out both Eventbrite and Brightest Young Things to get the most comprehensive list of DC, MD, and VA activities. OR if you are lazy, you always could just dress up, drink at your house, and then take awkward photographs in front of national treasures. OR if you are even lazier, you could just eat Cheetos,  find a cat, force it to dress up as different U.S. presidents, and photograph it in front of terrible backdrops of national treasures that you drew.

Regardless, happy halloween and trick or treat!!! (Or as they say in Canada, “Halloween apples!!!” because God even their devil’s night is earnest)

The Marine Corps Marathon is very, very happy to be back in DC.

The annual Marine Corps Marathon concluded yesterday, marking another successful race  despite increased security. But that is hardly noteworthy compared to what I found yesterday while looking up road closures:

 Source: MCM website

Source: MCM website

Too subtle for you?
Must. resist. puns.

Must. resist. puns.

Yes friends, I give you the most important map since DNA was sequenced. Normally I’d think this was some sort of divine coincidence — but you can’t look at that tip penetrating the U.S. Capitol and tell me this isn’t the work of staggering genius.

- IronCitySpy

Oh, why did we choose this moment to end our 22 month hiatus you ask? Obviously you aren’t familiar with scripture:

“… and when a giant phallus reveals itself, rejoice!  The gentle blog will rustle from it’s ancient slumber.” - The Bible, probably.

Hey DC, this is a really dumb intersection.

Dear DC,

Please explain in what plane of existence one needs to inhabit in order for this intersection to make sense?

19th and T NW

This intersection is on IronCitySpy’s daily commute home. It’s also the home of IronCitySpy’s daily-vehicular-near-death/near-homicide. While it looks like a perfectly normal 4 way stop , look closer — only two parties are required to stop. The other two can zip on through. While a 2 way stop isn’t asinine on it’s own (well it kind of is), consider the following:

  • Parked cars are allowed to flank both stop signs. While seemingly benign, this actually creates a sinister Catch 22. In order to see if there is on-coming traffic (that is not required to stop), I must move my car into said intersection in order to see past the cars (and likely getting hit by said oncoming traffic in the process). Or, I can just assume there are no cars coming and try to bulldoze my through (again likely getting hit by oncoming traffic, which again is not required to stop).
  • This intersection is also the mecca of pedestrians/bicyclists. And not just any pedestrian/bicyclists, but some sort of weird Bermuda Triangle of douchery where 30 somethings that assume it’s appropriate to travel by longboard are genetically drawn towards. The rare moment when you see there is no oncoming traffic, you can bet a carnival of “Paperboy” characters will descend all around you — seemingly with the sole objective of being run-over by your vehicle.

%*$^&$^)*&$

DC, your transportation network is an easy target and is ripped on quite a lot. But this is an easy win and a quick fix. Make 19th and T NW a 4 way stop. If you do, you’ll gain a fan for life. But do it quickly, because at this rate I’ll be incarcerated for running over a dude juggling fire*

-IroncitySpy

*Paperboy, anyone?

Blogging for the enemy: IronCityspy joins Caps blog

Friends,

In addition to recently selling out and getting advertising dollars on here, I’ve also been asked to moonlight at the very good Caps blog “Stop throwing hats“. What’s that? Why did I agree to work on a blog that gets it’s moniker from insulting my favorite player? Short answer, daddy’s got to eat. The proprietor is a talented writer that is getting a good deal of exposure (some of it nationally). Continuing my personal mantra of never being afraid to follow others, I am basically hoping to ride his coattails to some blogger glory. He is giving me complete creative control, and rather hopes I narrow in on what it’s like being a Penguins fan in DC. If you are interested in either the Pens or the Caps, I hope you will grace my unlettered scribblings from time to time.

At any rate, if you are interested my first article centers around the Pen’s and Cap’s tribute to the tragic fate of the doomed Lokomotiv team.

Fall is back, DC citizens squeal with excitment

Fall is back in DC (also presumably everywhere else) and if my Facebook and Twitter feeds are any indication, the regional population couldn’t be happier. So I suppose you have come here to read what just about every other blog is writing about: favorite fall activities, favorite fall drinks, favorite fall fashion, etc… If this is the case, I’d suggest heading to one of those. As my general feelings on fall can be summed thusly:

IronCityspy's present mood. Credit to OMGkitty.com for the perfect image.

As is well known to our longtime reader(s), DCSpy and I love the Summer. We love the sunlight, long hours, warm weather and trips that are synonymous with those glorious 3 months. So when I read twitter statuses that say “So excited to wear scarves again!!!” Part(most) of me dies inside. Don’t you people realize you have like 8 months of scarf weather!

Jesus

DCSpy tends to be of the opinion that as long as Fall is here, we may as well embrace it. This position is anathema to me. Summer, in many ways, is like my best friend. I look forward to it before it arrives, can’t get enough of it when it is finally here and I am terribly sad when it leaves. Fall is Summer’s murderer/rapist. But unlike typical murder-rapists, I am then forced to hang out with the thing that forcibly sodomized and stabbed my best friend. Then I have to hear about what a great guy he is by literally everyone I am associated with!  Look, he may have some good jokes and can turn the occasional phrase, but at the end of the day he still left my beloved Summer in a dumpster behind the KFC.

It is because of this that I will be curmudgeonly during any and all fall activities I am forced to participate in. Yes apple picking and Halloween may be fun, but they can’t replace my best friend.

-IronCityspy

P.S. Not to clog my inbox about the Fall vs. Summer argument again, but I have one question for the Summer haters. When you go on vacation, do you go somewhere that is 60 degrees and overcast? No, you go somewhere that looks like this:

Year-round Summer!

Checkmate.

thirst DC – a sexy lecture

The one unforgivable sin is to be boring” – Christopher Hitchens

It seems the organizers of Thursday’s thirst DC event took this mantra and completely ran with it. It’s also unfortunate DC’s beloved boozy man of letters is too ill to take advantage of this gathering, as it seems right up his alley. Let me explain:

The underlying theme of thirst DC (assuming I understand the  press release) is the old concept of stuffy lectures is outdated and pointless. Gone is the packed auditorium filled with professorial types, listening to one speaker drowning on and on about a single topic, only to be interrupted by the occasional golf clap. In it’s place is a lively social gathering, where several renowned speakers give short, impassioned talks about a wide-range of topics. Instead of listening passively, all that are in attendance are encouraged to engage fellow participants and even lecturers themselves — all with the help of generously available liquid courage.  The idea being that smart and passionate people should engage each other, and from there we add to the marketplace of ideas (a phrase ruined by Libertarians).

To thirst DC‘s credit, they do have quite an eclectic guest list:

  • New York Times Best Selling Author and Blogger, Chris Mooney
  • Theoretical Mathematics genius/Wall Street guru Shaun Maguire
  • Technology and culture expert Melissa Pierce
  • Smithsonian anthropologist Briana Pobiner
  • Documentary star and social media expert Shauna Dillavou
  • Weather marketing expert Daniel Alexander

Sidebar: What the hell is weather marketing?!?!

Obviously this event isn’t for everyone. It requires participants to be “utterly fascinating“, and as someone that argued the merits of Harry Potter v. The Lord of the Rings on Facebook for the better part of 4 days, I clearly don’t qualify. That being said, DC is perpetually in need of splashes of color — which this event provides in spades. We have never been short on intellectual capital, so why not use that resource and marry it with some cosmopolitan flair. At the very least, the combination of pretty people and stiff drinks is superior to my typical Thursday night. Go forth and thirst dear readers!

- IronCityspy

Thursday, August 25th, Bier Baron Tavern: 7:00pm - 2:00am

Bier Baron
1523 22nd St. NW
Washington, DC

Register at thirstdc.com or directly at Ticketleap. Tweet us @thirstdc or join our FB group to receive a discount code on your tix.

Woman Dies After Falling From W Hotel — Jesus

Apparently a very intoxicated lady plunged to her death last night, falling from the top of the W Hotel bar. Witnesses saw her climb over the fence, then “dangle from her hands” (as opposed to what?) from a ledge before falling. Authorities aren’t yet ruling it a suicide or just a drunken accident.

You'd have to work to get off of this.

Assuming this isn’t a suicide, my initial thoughts are how stupid and sad this is. She really had to work to get to where she was (as the above picture illustrates) and it’s shocking for her to die in such a vulgar and extreme way. I feel very bad for her family.

My second thought is; “how the hell hasn’t this happened at Local 16, Cleveland Park Bar and Grill or dozens of other local watering holes?  Absolutely no disrespect to either establishment, as I’ve frequented them both more times than I care to admit. But half the time I’m shocked I’m even able to make it home. So when you couple that with my abysmal coordination, the fact I am typing this now is an utter affront to science and the natural world.

Not exactly good for keeping drunks from falling off -- or White Walkers

I know two and three stories aren’t usually enough to kill someone, but still you’d think we’d hear more about this. At any rate, this is a very sad story and I really don’t think the W Hotel could have done anything differently to prevent this. I’ll let you know if anything new comes of this.

-IronCityspy

DC apparently horrible place for women to meet men. Ladies?

According to this recent article from the Daily Caller, single women are having a hell of a time finding suitable men in our fair city. The article suggests two main reasons for this:

  • Washingtonians are married to their jobs. Because we are so career oriented, we have no time for relationships
  • Women outnumber men by a surprisingly large amount. There are 112 women for every 100 men.

Accurate approximation of IronCityspy

The first point seems dubious to me. While it’s true we are a career obsessed city, we work far fewer hours than the majority of the big cities. Moreover, places like New York and Chicago are never uttered in the same “it’s hard to find men” breath. While I think it’s true people that are career oriented tend to get married later (as do most educated adults), I doubt it will cause men to not date.

The second, actuarial point seems far more accurate to me. Because there are greater numbers of the fairer sex, it allows us men to be something that we rarely are; picky. While I am certainly setting myself up for an onslaught of hate mail (shock), there is a nice cemetery to this. Throughout our entire lives, men have to compete with each other to win women’s affection. I personally find it sort of nice to be in the other camp for a change.

Maybe I should rethink this whole DCspy thing. I mean, it’s been great and all, but apparently I am in demand. Plus I could start referring to her as a “Spinster”, which would be excellent.

-IronCityspy

Oh, and ladies, I do have plenty of single friends that aren’t career obsessed. I mean, they tend to be of the small and ginger variety — but they’re out there. Don’t all start lining up at the door.

Obama can make even ping pong look cool

Ping pong...really?!?!

Ugh. Ping pong ( I refuse to honor it with the moniker ”table tennis”) is one of the nerdiest and least graceful-looking activities one can do. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. But I typically look like a less-puffy version of David Cameron while playing it. But not stupid Obama — he looks cool, calm, coordinated and determined. I mean, does he ever look awkward?

Oh wait, nevermind:

-IronCityspy

DC has trouble implementing technology from 1859

“Why hello there tourist from some far away land! Welcome to Washington, D.C.,  the world’s most powerful city!  We represent the epicenter of the planet’s most dynamic economy, unparalleled resources and the most mighty fighting force the world has yet known! What’s that? Why do our Metro escalators, a technology perfected in 1889, never, ever work? Well, aren’t you a smart ass.”

Yes, in yet another blow to Metro (though to be fair, no one has died for a while) Metro has announced it will need to close the Dupont and Foggy Bottom escalators for an entire year to perform comprehensive repairs. Seeing as Metro is the perpetual piñata for us DC bloggers, I am sure most of you have heard this by now. And not to pile on, but why does Metro continue to fail at implementing a technology that was essentially perfected around the same time as the radio?

That 1859 is not a typo

I am all for Metro finally addressing the problem directly and not just throwing a few bandaids on it — but the escalators have been in constant disrepair for the better part of a decade. Something tells me if they had been honest with themselves and done this earlier — a year’s worth of repair probably would not have been necessary. Hopefully they learn from this.

-IronCityspy